Can I get your number?
I don’t even know what to tell you. But this story is about me, like everything here is.
Hi. I know I know, I’ve been MiA. Let’s just blame the devil, because I can’t even start to explain myself.
I want to share a story about something that happened to me during my NYSC year
I used to have a rule that I often emphasized to my sisters: "If a man asks you for your phone number, give it to him. However, whether you choose to answer his messages or not is entirely up to you." The truth is, in Nigeria, it can be unsafe to refuse some men when they request your phone number.
Phone numbers don't hold the secrets to Jack Sparrow's treasure, after all.
Let me share my story with you. In 2020, I lived in Ibadan for a while. While I was there, I had a friend named Usman who lived nearby, so we often hung out together. Towards the end of my service, Usman left Nigeria, and my solitude became even more pronounced.
So, I developed a routine. It was simple: go to work, pick up food on the way home, eat, take a walk, and then return home to sleep. Walking was my preferred form of exercise, and it helped me clear my head. Looking back, 2020 was a year my instincts warned me about, but like the people of South Park, I didn't listen.
One fateful night, after my usual chat with Mummy Aisha and her babies, I began my walk. I typically walked halfway to the bus stop and then back. My AirPods were in, and The Weeknd's "Adaptation" played on repeat. I was lost in thought when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
I stopped, sighed, and turned around, wearing my best "I'm not interested in anything you have to say" expression. "What?" I said.
The guy who had tapped me was a somewhat okay-looking fellow, though not someone I would have noticed otherwise. He greeted me with a heavily Yoruba-accented voice, but he was trying a bit too hard to sound American. He introduced himself as Timilehin (I remember his name because I saved his contact as "Timilehin Agbowo" in my phone).
I asked him, as politely as I could muster for someone who wears her irritation on her face, "How can I help you?"
He launched into a long explanation, but I couldn't focus on what he was saying. All I heard was the first sentence: "I've been noticing you walk this way for a while, you live in that upstairs."
I won't deny it; all traces of irritation vanished from my face, replaced by a polite smile. Not because I was happy to talk to him, but because I was scared. Thoughts raced through my mind: Had he followed me home before? Would he harm me if I walked away? Did I leave the gas on?(for some reason i keep worrying about that )
When he finished his explanation, he asked for my phone number. I was about to give him my older sister's number when he said he didn't have his phone with him; it was charging. He asked for my phone, and I handed it over. He called his number and saved it in my phone, then handed it back, asking, "Do you want me to follow you home?"
"No," I replied firmly. "I'm not going home." I walked away so quickly that even The Flash would have been impressed. I took a longer route home because I was terrified.
This wasn't the first time a man had stopped me on my way home. In fact, I had experienced an even scarier situation where a man wouldn't let me walk away, and when I finally did, he threw stones at me and threatened to find and harm me.
Since that day, I've never denied a man access to my phone number again.
The point of this story is I gave my phone number to a stranger out of fear and discomfort, even though i didn't want to. This decision was driven by a sense of self-preservation. However should i have had to do that?
should it be so hard to understand i don’t want to give out my phone number or be in conversation with you?
This is apparently a normal thing, where some men force women to give out their phone numbers and then insult or harass them when they refuse, is not only disrespectful but also a manifestation of unhealthy and inappropriate attitudes and behaviors. There are several reasons why some men engage in such behavior, although it's essential to note that it's not representative of all men, and many men do not engage in such actions. Here are some possible reasons:
Entitlement: Some individuals may have a sense of entitlement, believing that they have the right to access a woman's personal information or that women should comply with their requests without question.
Power and Control: Some men may use such tactics as a way to assert power and control over women, seeking to intimidate or manipulate them into doing what they want.
Rejection and Insecurity: Rejection can be difficult for anyone to handle, and some men react negatively to rejection out of insecurity, frustration, or feelings of inadequacy.
Lack of Respect: A lack of respect for women as equals can lead to disrespectful and inappropriate behavior when their advances are rejected.
Social Norms and Expectations: In some cultures or social contexts, there may be norms or expectations that pressure men to pursue women aggressively, and they may react negatively when these advances are rebuffed.
It's important to remember that these behaviors are not acceptable, and they should be confronted and discouraged. Both women and men should be empowered to assert their boundaries and feel safe when they choose not to share their personal information. Promoting respectful communication, consent, and education about healthy relationships can help address these issues and foster more respectful interactions between individuals. Society, as a whole, can play a role in challenging and changing these harmful attitudes and behaviors through education and advocacy for gender equality and respect.
I gave him my number despite my aversion in order to Prioritize my safety and well-being at that moment. I have learnt that whilst dealing with strange men, it is best one chooses the safest measures to protect oneself. it's equally important to trust your instincts and take measures to protect yourself when you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
I hate that I did it but I had to do it to save my self
I hope it gets better soon
love and light
and of course Amala.