Kindness? Let’s Not Get Ahead of Ourselves

Twitter people always rile me up, and I’m too meh to start sowing threads. Also Hurry Up Tomorrow is now out.

There’s this thing people do where they act like kindness is something you unlock after hearing a tragic backstory. Like, oh , you had a rough childhood? Here, have my last kidney. Or, you’ve been through a lot? Let me go out of my way for you.

I do not subscribe to this rewards-based system of kindness. I don’t believe in waiting until someone proves they’ve suffered before treating them with respect. But let’s be clear, I also don’t believe in pretending i’m kind all the time. Because I’m not. I’m nice, which is very different.

People like to think kindness is a personality trait, but I think of it as a full-time job. It’s a lifestyle. A discipline. It requires patience, generosity, and an almost unshakable emotional stability. I respect people who have that in them.

I, however, operate on a simpler model: I am nice when I feel good, when I’m happy, when I’m comfortable. If I don’t feel like it, I am simply there. Not rude, not hostile, just existing. A well-dressed shadow of a person, observing life without committing to emotional engagement.

I Am Not an Emotional Tollgate

Some people act like niceness is something you have to earn. You know the ones, the people who treat service workers like they’re invisible, until they realize their waiter is working two jobs to support their sick mother, and suddenly they’re the biggest advocate for fair wages. Or the ones who are indifferent to their coworkers, but the second they hear about a personal tragedy, they’re re all warm smiles and coffee runs.

I do not understand this.

If I’m nice to you, it’s not because I found out you’ve had a hard life. It’s because I woke up that morning thinking happy thoughts and decided to be pleasant. It’s because my caffeine levels are stable, my work load is light and I don’t feel the need to run into a corner and cry. It’s because I haven’t had an existential conversation with my mother that week. That’s it. No backstory required.

Conversely, if I’m not feeling particularly warm, it’s not because I’ve judged you and found you unworthy of my kindness. It’s because I don’t have the emotional energy to distribute that day. It’s about me, not you. And honestly? I think that’s fair.

Basic Decency Is a Given. Emotional Labor Is Not.

To be clear, I’m not advocating for being selectively decent. Some things are non-negotiable: I will always say “please” and “thank you” I will not be the reason someone’s day gets worse. I will never be outright rude to a stranger for no reason.

But full-scale kindness? The kind that involves emotional labor? That’s on a case-by-case basis. And I’m not pretending otherwise.

I think people confuse niceness and kindness. Niceness is a surface-level thing. It’s about being polite, approachable, and generally pleasant. Kindness runs deeper. It requires care, attention, and, quite frankly, effort. And while I admire people who can offer that freely to the world at all times, I have accepted that I am not one of them.

I am not a bad person. I am simply a person with boundaries.

Your Story Won’t Change My Mood

I’ve had people assume that if I’m not immediately warm to them, it must be because I don’t know their story or I’m insensitive to their plight. As if hearing about their struggles will activate some hidden reserve of kindness in me. And while I understand the impulse, I have to say, it won’t.

If I’m already in a good mood, you’re in luck! You will experience peak niceness. I’ll be the first to offer help, share a joke, or make your day a little better. But if I’m in one of my more neutral moods? No story in the world will change that. It’s not personal. It’s just bandwidth.

Some people can show up as their best selves every single day, regardless of what’s going on in their lives. I am not one of those people. I can’t pretend to be chirpy or anything to you when my life is falling apart. Hell, I might not even leave my house. My best self is conditional. It depends on how well I slept, what I have going on that day, and whether or not my last phone call with my mother ended in unsolicited life advice that made me question every decision I’ve ever made.

If I’ve had that call, my spirit is already on the floor. Your story isn’t moving it any higher.

What People Misunderstand About Me

There’s this assumption that if you’re not overly friendly (it’s weird that I have to explain this because I’m the definition of overly friendly) you must be cold or unfeeling. But that’s not it. I care about people. I care about fairness, respect, and basic human decency. But what I don’t do is perform warmth on demand.

You know those people who are effortlessly bubbly, making small talk with strangers, striking up conversations in elevators? I love those people. I appreciate their existence. I also know I will never be one of them. If I talk to you in an elevator, it’s because I had a surge of social energy in that moment, not because I am naturally inclined to connect with strangers.

And I think that’s okay.

There’s space in this world for different kinds of people. The ones who instantly brighten a room, and the ones who take a second to assess the room before deciding if they even want to be in it.

Niceness on My Own Terms

At the end of the day, I don’t owe anyone exaggerated warmth, just like nobody owes me that in return. What I do believe in is treating people fairly, giving respect where respect is due, and maintaining a basic level of decency in all my interactions.

And I do all of that. But beyond that? It depends.

On the day. On my energy levels. And, most importantly, on whether or not my mother has recently reminded me that I should be married by now, or that people my age already have houses. Because if that conversation has happened in the last 48 hours, I promise you, no amount of sad backstory is bringing out my best self.

So no, I’m not waiting for a deep, emotional reveal before deciding how to treat you. And if you do have a heartbreaking story? I’ll listen. I’ll care. But I will still treat you exactly the way I was going to in the first place because my niceness is not a performance, and it is certainly not something you have to earn.

If this is something you disagree with, talk to me about it in the comment section

Until next time

Love, light, Amala - oh and The Weeknd